How To Talk to Little Kids About Loss

This post has been one that I’ve wanted to write for a long time, but every time I sit down to write it, I find myself putting it off. Without overanalyzing myself, I’d imagine that it’s because it probably brings up feelings that I try to avoid. But from the moment I knew I was going to become a mother, over 4 years ago, I knew that I would have to come up with a way to have my own mother (a”h) still be a part of my children’s lives.

For those who are new around here, the back story is that my mother passed away from cancer when I was 9 years old. For so long, I thought I was okay; that I just wasn’t emotional. And for many years I continued to push my grief to the back burner. It worked for me. It was much easier to avoid than to confront the feelings. This was all fine for me. I was okay through high school, college, graduation, becoming religious and getting married. But as soon as I found out I was going to be a mother, Pandora’s Box was opened.

My children are now 3 and 4 years old, and over the last several months, I’ve started to experience the grief of losing my mother all over again. Apparently, this is super normal, but it’s strange to feel this almost 20 years after the fact. So while I deal with the grief of a 9 year old that I never dealt with in the past, I also have a strong urge to share my mother with my children. I want my children to know her, and that’s really hard, when they can barely conceptualize the terms “yesterday”, “later” and “tomorrow”.

My mom and me and Miri and me as a newborn.

So what do I do?

On a recent trip to my dad’s house, I took the big box of old family photos, and I went through them. I took photos of not only my mother, but also my grandparents who are no longer with us either. Then I bought frames for them, and now they are prominently displayed in our family room. I want my kids to ask about the people in the pictures. And I want to tell them.

So what happens when they ask the hard questions?

Q: Where is your mommy?

A: My mommy is with Hashem (God) in Shamayim (Heaven), and she’s watching over us every day.

Q: So you don’t have a mommy?

A: Well, everyone has a mommy, and so do I. But sometimes people get really, really sick (not just sick like a cold), and they pass away. That means they go to be with Hashem in a really happy place, and they aren’t sick anymore. So my mommy just isn’t here with us anymore. She’s with Hashem.

Q: So are you going to get sick and pass away?

A: God forbid! Don’t worry, your mommy is going to be here with you for a very, very, very long time. You are too.

Q: So your mommy is Grandma Joyce, and your daddy is Papa? But Papa lives in Kentucky and Grandma Joyce lives with Hashem and we can’t see her?

A: That’s exactly right. I know it’s a little hard to understand, but you can ask me questions anytime you want. And never worry. Mommy is going to be here with you for a very long time. I’m not going anywhere.

These questions sometimes come all at once, and sometimes they come in spurts out of the blue. And they’ve only come from my 4-year-old so far. When I would show her a picture of Grandma Joyce (my mother) when she was younger, it kind of went over her head. And my 3-year-old doesn’t quite get it yet either.

The hardest part of everything, by far, is calming the anxiety of the child that you, as their parent, are going to die. All we can do is pray that God keeps us healthy, and that we can be together until we’re very, very, very old. To be honest, my daughter asking the questions likely forgets about that thought right away. But as a motherless mother, I believe the fear is really my own. That, God forbid, something would happen to me, and I would leave my children to deal with the same grief I am dealing with 20 years later.

By no means am I an expert.

I’m really just a mom, dealing with her own grief and anxiety, while trying to answer tough questions of toddlers. I’ve thought through my answers very thoroughly. What are the concepts I want my kids to have of my other and of death? I don’t want to overly burden them at such a young age, but I want to be honest with them. It’s quite a balance.

I would LOVE to know how you talk to kids about loss. And I hope my answers are helpful for those of you who are just starting to conquer these important conversations with your kids.

I was recommended the book Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman, and I plan to read it. I’ve heard it’s a fabulous resource, although it may be a bit difficult to swallow at parts.