Mom Guilt

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas and strong women out there! Instead of a fluffy post about love and pampering myself today, I wanted to talk about something that every mom experiences to some degree or another.

PC: @nessiephotography, Outfits: @kidichic, @valeristboutique and @jrpsocks

Let’s talk about Mom Guilt.

It comes in all different shapes, sizes and colors. But for today, let’s focus on mom guilt when it comes to working out of the home and having to go away on business. Today I’m headed to New York for 4 days of jam-packed meetings, conferences, collabs and hopefully a bit of R&R with friends and family.

Me in Israel earlier this year when I took my first, long solo trip.

This is the 3rd trip I’m taking by myself since October 2018, and I’ve started to get comments from “the peanut gallery” about how often I travel. Things like, “I could never get away with being gone for that long!” and “Isn’t it hard for your family?!” Now, does a father who has to travel once or twice a month for work get the same kind of flack that moms who travel get? I’m not turning this into a post about gender roles, but let’s marinate on that for a second.

So here I am. Headed out of town.

A lot goes into the decision to leave my family at home and travel for business. And ultimately, they’re always part of the deciding factors. What does everyone else have going on during that time that I’ll miss? What will be difficult as far as childcare when I’m not home? Even if I plan my family’s schedule, down to the minute, for when I’m gone, somehow, I still end up feeling guilty for not being around.

What is that? The feeling that we have to do everything and be everyone, all at the same time. Well, it’s impossible, but somehow we get sucked into this do-all culture that makes us feel like crap when we, in reality, can’t do it all.

“Mom’s leaving town…again. She might as well sell me off to a stranger…” #BADmomguilt

How do you compensate?

Do you not go out at all? Do you take your kids out for extra special activities when you are home? Or do you go, but shame yourself and feel guilty the entire time? Everyone has a different way of coping with the mom guilt that we get from society and our families.

I personally give gifts before, during and after the trip. In fact, I’ve ordered a Step 2 Roller Coaster to arrive at my house tomorrow (coolest mom ever!), as I feel a sadness for not being there. As if someone will really NOT survive a few days without me.

How can we change?

I think this “mom guilt” and “mom shaming” has become a societal norm that we have GOT to shake off. Sure, as moms we CAN do it all, but NOT all at the same time and NOT without some help. If you see a mama on Instagram or elsewhere who looks like they just have the whooooole shabang together…well, something’s gotta give somewhere. And I’m sorry for that woman whose “give” is her mental health.

I want to show my kids that mommy is successful. Not just successful at being their mommy — that’s a given. But successful and proud of the work I do outside of my “role” as mommy. I want them to see that I work hard, and that the work I do is all ultimately for them. Yes, it’s for me too. Working outside of my home is for my own sanity and feeling of pride, happiness and that I’m making a difference in the world. But, for me, at the end of the day, my family is my “why”. So how can we shed this mom guilt for doing something that ultimately ties back into our families anyway?

The first step is to start the conversation. I know I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last, but I created A Glass of Goldwater as a space to abolish mom guilt altogether. Through applauding, laughing with, crying with and commiserating with fellow moms, we’ll start to realize that these feelings are normal. The only reason “mom guilt” is even a thing, is because society has dubbed it so. Once we band together, we’ll see that moms having lives and obligations outside of their families is not only normal but a very necessary thing.

For now?

Let’s take this Mother’s Day to celebrate ourselves — as mothers and women. We do SO much every single day. While we are each different in our own ways, we all share the fact that we are mothers and women, and people rely on us to keep the world going. But don’t let that big weight hold you down. Know that in order to hold up the lives of others, you must take care of yourself first and foremost. And if that means working outside of the home or traveling for business (or pleasure!), then that is A-OK. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise…well, send them to me for a good punch in the…face!

Enjoy your day today, and then let’s start this very important conversation tomorrow. So we can work together to raise the next generation with less fears of success, more respect and in awe of the ground-breaking, earth-shaking, goal-crushing things that their mamas do each and every day.